MENU

By now in our journey with Gator, my heart was sick. We had nothing left to give and nothing left to try. After his reaction to the impossible-to-react-to amino-acid formula at 4 months old, we started at square one and played detective.

We began to put together the pieces and found he had a severe intolerance to corn and everything derived from corn—even just traces. That explained why he was reacting to everything! So in consultation with his pediatrician, we placed him on a homemade goat’s milk formula.

Within a day, he was an entirely different baby.

The blood stopped, the vomiting stopped, the screaming stopped, and . . . he slept. Within a week, everyone noticed the change in his demeanor and personality. He became an entirely different infant—he was now happy and wondrously content.

But if he was exposed to a corn-taminated ingredient through his formula or through a cleaning supply {yes, dish soap has corn-based ingredients and his sensitivity was so strong he reacted to the type of dish soap I washed his bottles with . . .} he reacted right away.

One night a few months later, we had to switch an ingredient in his formula and the new one caused yet another strong reaction.

And I was angry. I was angry with God.

My heart was hurting, I lost so much during this 4 month period. I felt as though everything a momma dreams about and hopes for her new baby was taken from me. Nothing had been normal in life . . . friends had given birth to their infants and were enjoying the precious newborn days—and I realized I don’t remember much about his newborn days . . . we were merely surviving.

No one could completely understand what we had gone through. I wondered why God had given me hope so many times only to take it all away. In my anger that night, I yelled at God “You gave us his name! And where has your grace been?!“

In this moment, the Lord was exceedingly gracious to me. He didn’t rebuke or forsake me, He held my broken momma heart and gently showed me where His grace had been . . .

During the weeks miscarriage was a real possibility, He calmed my anxious heart and gave me an image of my baby in the palms of His hands. He gave me peace.

During the concerns about my blood pressure and heart, He held my trembling heart and equipped my husband with all the perfect words.

He gave me an easy delivery and He gave me insight to see something wasn’t right in Gator’s system.

He gave me wisdom where the Doctors failed and helped me find Gator’s triggers.

He knew that in it all, I wouldn’t have been able to handle the stress of him not growing—by the grace of God Gator never stopped gaining weight or stopped growing despite all that went on.

He led me to information that revealed his lip & tongue tie and in doing so, we discovered my firstborn has a lip tie as well. It healed that wound in my heart because I thought his inability to breastfeed must have been my fault somehow–but it was a physical abnormality all along.

He gave us the resources to pay out-of-pocket for the lip-tie release when our insurance refused.

He gave me a few weeks to enjoy bonding with Gator during feedings. Gator grew so attached to those moments he even started to refuse bottles which had previously been unheard of.

When I had to stop breastfeeding him, I was absolutely sick about how he would handle it. After the lip tie release, he went on hunger strikes until he was breastfed. But, after what would become the final time he breastfed, he never looked back. The Lord showed me grace here because He knew my heart was broken over everything and couldn’t take Gator going on a hunger strike because he wanted that which I could no longer provide for him.

He gave us wisdom to discover the corn intolerance and to create a formula he could finally thrive on.

And finally, He healed my son.

That night was his last reaction. He has been on regular infant formula and has eaten all sorts of normal foods without an issue since that night. This is only explained by the Lord and there are many witnesses who can verify it.

I don’t know why the Lord took us through this horrible ordeal. Though I’ve explained much, there is so much more I simply don’t have time to type, so much heartache and pain I cannot begin to explain. I don’t know why He didn’t answer my prayers earlier.

But I do know this: the Lord was gracious to me in this season.

Throughout this painful motherhood season, I clung to one scripture and I believe it is the answer to the question, where is God  when motherhood hurts?

He tends his flock like a shepherd:He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;he gently leads those that have young. -Isaiah 40:11

During the good seasons and the seasons our hearts ache, He is gently leading. Oh dear momma, what comfort this verse has given my heart in the most difficult seasons of motherhood!

I wrote it hastily on an index card and taped it above my kitchen sink. So many times the last several months I’ve read that water stained card and praised God for gently leading me—even when I don’t know where we are going or what is going on.

My dear momma friend, if you are going through a difficult season, know that the Lord is gently leading you. What great comfort to know that the maker of heaven and earth—the one who holds the universe as well as our next breath—is gently leading our weary momma hearts. When your aching momma heart wonders where God is, the answer is . . . He is gently leading you.

Though my hastily written, water stained index card has served me well, it isn’t anything beautiful to behold. If this season of motherhood hurts for you, I would encourage you to take a look at this batik created by my friend Meagan at MeaganView. She is a good friend of mine and the one who actually gave me this verse on a day that I desperately needed it. If you love this print as much as I do, you can order it here. As a disclaimer, this is not an affiliate link and I have received nothing in compensation. I just know that our momma hearts need reminded of where God is when motherhood hurts–and this is a beautiful reminder!